Star Wars

Being that this is the very first posting, what better way to examine the fall of movie franchises than to begin with the George Lucas' Star Wars films. Some might argue, with good reason, that these movies are two separate franchises. Unfortunately George Lucas envisions them as one.

It should go without saying that, of the six films, the Nuke The Fridge moment fell unto the first of the new installments, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. But precisely at what moment was it that everything took a turn for the worst? Could it be the introduction of what could arguably be the most annoying character of all time, Jar-Jar Binks? Perhaps it was replacing of human soldiers with a bumbling droid army, worthy of Vaudeville or even Branson, Missouri? While yes, these moments certainly were gut-wrenching, they were not the straws that broke the proverbial camel's back.

That moment, the one that ruined Star Wars forever, the one that George Lucas himself created, the Rosemary's Baby of moments he himself birthed was a simple little line from one of young Anakin Skywalker's friends. While prepping for the anti-climactic pod race, some of Anakin's friends (and yes, apparently slave children have time for friends) watch intently as he warms up before the big race. Recognizing the gravity of the situation, one of the kids remarks "This is so wizard, Annie!"

Yes folks, that's it. From that moment on, the movie and the rest of the trilogy was beyond salvage. It was from that very moment where we as audiences were happy for Liam Neeson when his character bit it. At least he didn't have to suffer through two more abortions captured on celluloid. "This is so wizard, Annie!" set the bar for the other two movies. It set the standard for romantic dialogue so poorly directed that Stephen Hawking's talk box could have done a better job. It foreshadowed the Frankensteinesque Darth Vader.

Episode I was an abomination, yes. But who is to blame? George Lucas? Absolutely. It should go without saying that he is not only one of the poorest storytellers in history, but simply one of the least creative people working in entertainment. Let's not forget he wanted to make the original Star Wars a children's movie (which surely would have even made Walt Disney spin in his grave). The man can't even bear to have more than one climate per planet (Tattooine - Desert Planet, Endor - Forest Moon, Hoth - Ice Planet, Couriscant - An Entire Fucking City Planet, Degobah - A Swamp Planet, and then the Volcano planet and Water planet to round it out). In the latest trilogy he couldn't even create races of aliens without having them mirror human ethnic groups. Alas, I digress...

It is we who are truly to blame though. We should have seen it coming. When he rereleased the original Star Wars movies years before there were signs. Guido shoots first? Spending who knows how much money to insert Jabba into a scene for no good reason other than to have Jabba in the scene. Even after seeing Phantom Menace, we all lined up to see the second installment, Attack of the Clones. After enduring celluloid torture we came back again, this time seeking closure to an entire trilogy of film refuse. We gave George Lucas his millions. Like the Brits appeased Hitler in World War II, we said let George Lucas have his way. Only now can we look back with hindsight and see where we could have acted, nay should have acted. When that little kid, who I can only hope has not since acted, nuked the fridge we should have all done our duty as responsible moviegoers, left the theater, demand refunds, and popped in the original Star Wars (not the re-release).