Jurassic Park

Who would have thought a franchise could nuke the fridge with iconic filmmaker Steven Spielberg at the helm? That is, of course, if you're not taking into account Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull from which the very phrase was derived. Considering how well the first installment of Jurassic Park was received, you figure The Lost World having the same director, same screenwriter, better CGI, and the return of chaotician Dr. Ian Malcolm, it's sure to be even better this go around, right?

Wrong. Sure there was a wider variety of dinosaurs, but when you really think about it, that's about all the movie had going for it (okay, maybe that and John William's score). The movie had a slew of problems straight out of the gate. Vince Vaughn was for some reason trying to establish himself as a dramatic actor, the adorable grandchildren from the first movie (now teenagers) were annoying at best, you began to wonder how Jeff Goldblum knew so many damned dino folks to begin with, including Julianne Moore who was cast as a paleontologist for reasons we're still trying to figure out. Though as much as this movie had going against it, it was still somehow was fairly decent for the first two thirds. Pacing was just fine, plenty of conflict, the CGI as good as could be expected, and the acting was right on par. But then something happened. Jeff Goldblum's illegitimate, failed gymnastics daughter stows away and couldn't resist nuking the fridge. If only she'd stayed behind the movie might have avoided cinematic destruction until the third installment when Sam Neil plays the raptor trumpet.

The adage goes that there are no small roles, only small actors. This certainly couldn't have been more true here. Though only a minor role, Kelly Curtis Malcolm, had a major impact. The end of the second act / beginning of the third, those most deadly of dinos make their long-awaited appearance. Raptors, those door-opening killing machines start hunting down the remaining characters, including Goldblum and company. Holed up in a rundown utility shack two raptors burrow their way underneath. Just as one of them closes in on Goldblum, his daughter grabs onto a set of bars that look suspiciously like a gymnast's uneven bars. She swings, twirls, and flips on the bars. Then BAM! She kicks the raptor straight in the face, knocking it out the window. This is just the cake. The icing, you ask? Jeff Goldblum remarking "the school cut you from the team?" Then the bombs just keep coming. The rest of the movie becomes a series of one-liners worthy of Jay Leno, and T-Rex city romp more resembling a high budgeted Godzilla movie (though heads and shoulders above the Roland Emmerich Godzilla). After Lost World came the flashier, better CG'ed Jurassic Park III. At least Sam Niel returned for this one. It's easier to envision a paleontologist battling prehistoric dinos than a quirky chaotician. Unfortunately that movie too had all of the spectacle, but none of the substance the original JP did.

Even now Jurassic Park IV is in development. Why? Don't we all remember John Hammond's words at the closing of Lost World? "These creatures require our absence to survive...not our help." So please, Stevezie, these dinosaurs have already endured 65 million years of extinction. Let's not force them to endure this nuclear winter.