Jurassic Park

Who would have thought a franchise could nuke the fridge with iconic filmmaker Steven Spielberg at the helm? That is, of course, if you're not taking into account Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull from which the very phrase was derived. Considering how well the first installment of Jurassic Park was received, you figure The Lost World having the same director, same screenwriter, better CGI, and the return of chaotician Dr. Ian Malcolm, it's sure to be even better this go around, right?

Wrong. Sure there was a wider variety of dinosaurs, but when you really think about it, that's about all the movie had going for it (okay, maybe that and John William's score). The movie had a slew of problems straight out of the gate. Vince Vaughn was for some reason trying to establish himself as a dramatic actor, the adorable grandchildren from the first movie (now teenagers) were annoying at best, you began to wonder how Jeff Goldblum knew so many damned dino folks to begin with, including Julianne Moore who was cast as a paleontologist for reasons we're still trying to figure out. Though as much as this movie had going against it, it was still somehow was fairly decent for the first two thirds. Pacing was just fine, plenty of conflict, the CGI as good as could be expected, and the acting was right on par. But then something happened. Jeff Goldblum's illegitimate, failed gymnastics daughter stows away and couldn't resist nuking the fridge. If only she'd stayed behind the movie might have avoided cinematic destruction until the third installment when Sam Neil plays the raptor trumpet.

The adage goes that there are no small roles, only small actors. This certainly couldn't have been more true here. Though only a minor role, Kelly Curtis Malcolm, had a major impact. The end of the second act / beginning of the third, those most deadly of dinos make their long-awaited appearance. Raptors, those door-opening killing machines start hunting down the remaining characters, including Goldblum and company. Holed up in a rundown utility shack two raptors burrow their way underneath. Just as one of them closes in on Goldblum, his daughter grabs onto a set of bars that look suspiciously like a gymnast's uneven bars. She swings, twirls, and flips on the bars. Then BAM! She kicks the raptor straight in the face, knocking it out the window. This is just the cake. The icing, you ask? Jeff Goldblum remarking "the school cut you from the team?" Then the bombs just keep coming. The rest of the movie becomes a series of one-liners worthy of Jay Leno, and T-Rex city romp more resembling a high budgeted Godzilla movie (though heads and shoulders above the Roland Emmerich Godzilla). After Lost World came the flashier, better CG'ed Jurassic Park III. At least Sam Niel returned for this one. It's easier to envision a paleontologist battling prehistoric dinos than a quirky chaotician. Unfortunately that movie too had all of the spectacle, but none of the substance the original JP did.

Even now Jurassic Park IV is in development. Why? Don't we all remember John Hammond's words at the closing of Lost World? "These creatures require our absence to survive...not our help." So please, Stevezie, these dinosaurs have already endured 65 million years of extinction. Let's not force them to endure this nuclear winter.

Star Wars

Being that this is the very first posting, what better way to examine the fall of movie franchises than to begin with the George Lucas' Star Wars films. Some might argue, with good reason, that these movies are two separate franchises. Unfortunately George Lucas envisions them as one.

It should go without saying that, of the six films, the Nuke The Fridge moment fell unto the first of the new installments, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. But precisely at what moment was it that everything took a turn for the worst? Could it be the introduction of what could arguably be the most annoying character of all time, Jar-Jar Binks? Perhaps it was replacing of human soldiers with a bumbling droid army, worthy of Vaudeville or even Branson, Missouri? While yes, these moments certainly were gut-wrenching, they were not the straws that broke the proverbial camel's back.

That moment, the one that ruined Star Wars forever, the one that George Lucas himself created, the Rosemary's Baby of moments he himself birthed was a simple little line from one of young Anakin Skywalker's friends. While prepping for the anti-climactic pod race, some of Anakin's friends (and yes, apparently slave children have time for friends) watch intently as he warms up before the big race. Recognizing the gravity of the situation, one of the kids remarks "This is so wizard, Annie!"

Yes folks, that's it. From that moment on, the movie and the rest of the trilogy was beyond salvage. It was from that very moment where we as audiences were happy for Liam Neeson when his character bit it. At least he didn't have to suffer through two more abortions captured on celluloid. "This is so wizard, Annie!" set the bar for the other two movies. It set the standard for romantic dialogue so poorly directed that Stephen Hawking's talk box could have done a better job. It foreshadowed the Frankensteinesque Darth Vader.

Episode I was an abomination, yes. But who is to blame? George Lucas? Absolutely. It should go without saying that he is not only one of the poorest storytellers in history, but simply one of the least creative people working in entertainment. Let's not forget he wanted to make the original Star Wars a children's movie (which surely would have even made Walt Disney spin in his grave). The man can't even bear to have more than one climate per planet (Tattooine - Desert Planet, Endor - Forest Moon, Hoth - Ice Planet, Couriscant - An Entire Fucking City Planet, Degobah - A Swamp Planet, and then the Volcano planet and Water planet to round it out). In the latest trilogy he couldn't even create races of aliens without having them mirror human ethnic groups. Alas, I digress...

It is we who are truly to blame though. We should have seen it coming. When he rereleased the original Star Wars movies years before there were signs. Guido shoots first? Spending who knows how much money to insert Jabba into a scene for no good reason other than to have Jabba in the scene. Even after seeing Phantom Menace, we all lined up to see the second installment, Attack of the Clones. After enduring celluloid torture we came back again, this time seeking closure to an entire trilogy of film refuse. We gave George Lucas his millions. Like the Brits appeased Hitler in World War II, we said let George Lucas have his way. Only now can we look back with hindsight and see where we could have acted, nay should have acted. When that little kid, who I can only hope has not since acted, nuked the fridge we should have all done our duty as responsible moviegoers, left the theater, demand refunds, and popped in the original Star Wars (not the re-release).